- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Not everyone will experience all of these or even, on each occasion of individual grief - you have different people within your life who will die at different stages of their lives, causing you to grieve differently for them !
Also, many will experience these stages in different orders and some stages may come back more than once, to hit you sometimes years after that beloved person has died.
I did not fully discover the theoretical impact of grief until I finished my degree, 17 years after Mark had died ..... and then, many, many things began to make sense and fell into place !
I did not fully discover the theoretical impact of grief until I finished my degree, 17 years after Mark had died ..... and then, many, many things began to make sense and fell into place !
I know now, for me, that those first few days were dominated by denial, but this is so difficult to explain. Of course I knew the facts - I knew he was dead and not coming back so it wasn't a concious denial. However, as I mentioned in a previous post, it is almost as if the brain is protecting the heart ..... allowing only a slip of information through at a time, so that it doesn't all hit you at once.
This denial holds you in a bubble - a hazy world, where everything is happening around you and even with you ..... but you don't feel connected.
Some of the practical processes of bereavement help deal with it, in a drip-feed manner.
I was in denial - yet I cried a lot ..... I was in denial - yet I phoned all the friends and family to tell them the news.
That Thursday morning was so hard - but I was on automatic pilot - someone (most likely my Mum) had stated that "we will have to let other people know" ... Mark's friends and mine, wider family members and those who had worked with Mark.
So I picked up the phone and just started dialling ...... number after number ..... friend after friend.
I have a HUGE apology to make here because in fact, I had no sense of time or place. I had no realisation of the impact the news would have on our friends and family and was literally just phoning many of them ...even those who were at work ......what an awful thing to do ...... dropping that bombshell on someone when they are working - but that is Denial - not really thinking it through - just acting automatically.
On calling one friend (the one who's birthday it had been on the Wednesday), she immediately came over with her partner and took the children to the park, allowing me the time to do the rest of the phone calls - she recognised that this was not something you can do with a 4 year old and 2 year old running around .......... and that was the how my wonderful friends and family progressed and acted throughout the next few years - maybe not everyone thought they knew what to say or do but they all just instinctively did what was needed at the time!
Yet this practical aspect of ringing round was part of the drip-feed process - of repeating the same statement ...... getting the horror of what has just happened through to me.
Another practical aspect is identifying the body. I actually cannot remember even being asked to identify him and I think perhaps the police thought it best if I didn't because I was young, with 3 little ones, and probably looked a bit fragile. OR maybe I was asked and just blanked this from my thoughts/memory, as not being able to cope with this part of the process
Mark's Dad identified him and for several years afterwards I yo-yo'd between being angry that it wasn't me, upset that someone else had done this and grateful that I didn't have to do it. I am settled now on the grateful part and realise how hard this must have been for his Dad.
So, without having to identify the body and leave the flat, Mum and I spent the day cocooned - in our bubble world - in a state of shock and also limbo ..... I could not think further than the next 15 minutes and I don't think Mum could either !
The drip feeding continued throughout the day - seeing the crash reported on the news and a tiny article ("hold the press" - with very little information at this point) in the local paper.
Denial - being faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept so you reject it instead, not wanting to believe it - despite the overwhelming evidence.
That was me - not wanting to even begin to believe it - because then it would be true ..... and Mark would be dead and I would actually have to start to deal with that.
This denial holds you in a bubble - a hazy world, where everything is happening around you and even with you ..... but you don't feel connected.
Some of the practical processes of bereavement help deal with it, in a drip-feed manner.
I was in denial - yet I cried a lot ..... I was in denial - yet I phoned all the friends and family to tell them the news.
That Thursday morning was so hard - but I was on automatic pilot - someone (most likely my Mum) had stated that "we will have to let other people know" ... Mark's friends and mine, wider family members and those who had worked with Mark.
So I picked up the phone and just started dialling ...... number after number ..... friend after friend.
I have a HUGE apology to make here because in fact, I had no sense of time or place. I had no realisation of the impact the news would have on our friends and family and was literally just phoning many of them ...even those who were at work ......what an awful thing to do ...... dropping that bombshell on someone when they are working - but that is Denial - not really thinking it through - just acting automatically.
On calling one friend (the one who's birthday it had been on the Wednesday), she immediately came over with her partner and took the children to the park, allowing me the time to do the rest of the phone calls - she recognised that this was not something you can do with a 4 year old and 2 year old running around .......... and that was the how my wonderful friends and family progressed and acted throughout the next few years - maybe not everyone thought they knew what to say or do but they all just instinctively did what was needed at the time!
Yet this practical aspect of ringing round was part of the drip-feed process - of repeating the same statement ...... getting the horror of what has just happened through to me.
Another practical aspect is identifying the body. I actually cannot remember even being asked to identify him and I think perhaps the police thought it best if I didn't because I was young, with 3 little ones, and probably looked a bit fragile. OR maybe I was asked and just blanked this from my thoughts/memory, as not being able to cope with this part of the process
Mark's Dad identified him and for several years afterwards I yo-yo'd between being angry that it wasn't me, upset that someone else had done this and grateful that I didn't have to do it. I am settled now on the grateful part and realise how hard this must have been for his Dad.
So, without having to identify the body and leave the flat, Mum and I spent the day cocooned - in our bubble world - in a state of shock and also limbo ..... I could not think further than the next 15 minutes and I don't think Mum could either !
The drip feeding continued throughout the day - seeing the crash reported on the news and a tiny article ("hold the press" - with very little information at this point) in the local paper.
Denial - being faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept so you reject it instead, not wanting to believe it - despite the overwhelming evidence.
That was me - not wanting to even begin to believe it - because then it would be true ..... and Mark would be dead and I would actually have to start to deal with that.
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