Empty Nesting (again)

I have touched on this subject a couple of times and am grateful that the position of Danny, sometimes being at home but often staying at his girlfriend Nicki's for 2/3 nights at a go, is making the full transition easier!

I do not know if it would be different if my children had stayed at home for longer - you do expect them to leave home at some point ..... I think both my girls left fairly early on and both very close (time-wise) together.

I do not want my girls to feel at all bad when they read this - I am just writing about some of the feelings it provokes - the positive and the negative - so maybe others who stumble across this can be prepared. Although in reality, there should be NOTHING to prepare for ... lets face it - this goes on generation after generation and actually it is one of those occasions where we should all "just get on with it"          BUT - it does create a feeling slightly akin to grief - the loss and occasionally even loneliness - that is something I was not really aware of or prepared for.

It is the summer holidays and I work term time only, so of course it may be that I have noticed this more this last couple of weeks. I know - the easy answer would be to find a job that was NOT term time only but hang on .... I actually love the holidays ... and always have done - so that's not happening !

Anyway - I digress - As I have mentioned before, I have never had an issue with being alone - am usually quite happy with my own company and can always pick up a book/watch a film or find something to amuse myself with. However, before the girls left there was always SOMETHING going on in the house - noise, music playing, food being cooked in the kitchen, someone rushing around chatting on their phones, friends in and out of the house. This general busyness seems to be what is missing and YES the quietness has it's plus points but you really don't appreciate how quickly you miss it.

I worked with an older lady a few years ago who suffered from depression after her 2 children had moved out of her home. I can remember trying to be sympathetic but actually not having any appreciation at all of how she had failed to adjust and how this was affecting her. In fact I was a little dismissive (as I am not known for my patience in these kind of situations) ! 

I wish I had given her more of my time and listened to her fears more !

Luckily - none of the factors that affected her have hit me in the same way but many I have touched upon.

I recall her saying that she felt a loss of purpose in her life (yes ...I can now see that ...not fully as I still have many other things in my life but there is that sense of loss). She felt that her feelings were not acknowledged (oops - that would have included me) and yet now ...even though my feelings are not as great as hers obviously were .... I can also see that we don't acknowledge this chapter of our lives very well. She worked in a school and was a part timer so had a lot of time with her children (sounds familiar) and her sense of identity was wrapped up in them so her loneliness on coming home from her work was very strong. 

I too can identify with that - I have worked part-time and even when the kids have not been around I would have plenty to do just picking up after them and felt their "presence" all around the house. This has decreased as now it is only Dan (well ...and Greg) who leave their stuff all over the place ... and yet even that is diminished as Dan has become a little tidier and more aware of putting his stuff at least in his room !

The one thing I can gladly say I did not identify with, was her concerns about her children in the "Big Wide World". Whether her concerns were linked to her depression and anxiety I cannot say as I am no medical practitioner BUT she was constantly worried that they would not cope with life - financially, emotionally and practically - that they would "fail" and it would be a reflection on her somehow ...... As far as I know they were perfectly fine and one thing I can say is that I believe I was pretty tough with my 3 in preparing them for independence - they all had allowances at a young age to learn how to manage their money and they all had chores and responsibilities that hopefully gave them some idea of managing themselves (OK - so I never really taught them to cook .... my bad !)

But maybe the biggest challenge is to embrace it - to accept that you are going to have times where you just miss them being around - and to establish a different type of relationship with your child ...... NOW finally you can dislodge the parenting mantle (it will never leave completely) and enter that stage of friendship and respect for your child, accepting that the choices they make will more than likely be different to yours but that they are now adults and simply CAN make them.

On the positive side - boy do I have free time on my hands - I realise why I was so skinny when younger as I was always running around after them ! I have not yet fully discovered what to do with the free time and that is part of my new challenge.

So yes - I am occasionally sad when I look at a picture or sort out some old stuff that has my children's handiwork in it ..... but I am happy for them .... as I should be ... and I can acknowledge that I need to make adjustments to my life in the new role as Nana rather than Mum .... and just accept those moments of loss and look forward to the increase in "me" time, time with Greg and time to do what I REALLY want to do (Which I still haven't figured out yet - but will keep you posted) !

Pinch, Punch 1st of the Month

Many families use this saying ... it's a way of welcoming in the first day of a new month. 

One of the explanations of its origins is that it would keep witches away for a month -  in mediaeval times people believed in witches and thought that salt would make them weak - so a pinch of salt would make a witch weak enough for a punch to banish her from your home for the month.

Now in our family we have always done this ..... from when I was a little girl ..... and then passing it on to my 3. 

When the kids were younger I used to LOVE jumping out of bed on the first day of the month to run into their bedrooms and do "pinch punch"... my goal was to get all 3 of them before they realised and got me first ..... this presented a challenge as they were all in different rooms so whoever was first would usually "get it" but then 2nd and 3rd's had heard the commotion and were well prepared !! 

As they got older there would always be a groan as I approached the bedrooms for the ritual pinch and punch before hauling teenagers out of bed for the school run ...... but I persevered ..... its a tough job but someone has to do it!

It was a little sad then, that this morning ..... I had no-one to say/do it to !!!!

Greg gets up early for work, so by the time I was in the land of "wide awake" ..... I had forgotten to say it to him. Then .... as Wednesdays are my day off ...... I was still in bed by the time Dan got up for work and I just shouted out to him to have a good day.

So when I actually got up and dragged myself downstairs ..... it hit me that I had not done this age old tradition .....and for a few moments I realised that this is the downside of being "nearly" an empty nester. 

The house was silent and there had been none of the hustle and bustle of the morning school run and no-one to give a friendly pinch/punch to ............ 

EXCEPT THE DOGS ... HA !