This day .......

Today is the Wednesday before the August Bank Holiday. 20 years ago this date was the 25th August. My life was very different then .... as I'm sure many of my readers lives were .... 20 years is a long time.

We lived in a 1 bedroomed flat, an old Victorian home with old sash windows ... so old you could stick your finger through the gaps. In the Winter the wind howled through and it was bitterly cold. The damp in the bedroom had made the wallpaper peel away (with a little help from tiny fingers, encouraging the peeling once it started!) Jessica was 4 years and 3 months old, Georgina was 12 days away from being 2 and Dan ..... was just 4 months.

On the weekend before this day, we had finally got round to getting a sofa-bed for Mark and I to sleep on, in the living room, to make a little more room in that bedroom for the children to have a play area. We had managed with a double bed, 2 single beds and a cot ... along with wardrobes, chest of drawers and a vanity unit for too long - once we could get the double bed out of there it would be a room for the children. Mark also surprised me with a kitten that weekend .... Figaro was welcomed into the family with open hearts!

The day was very similar to today ...... beautiful sunshine .... fresh in the morning and a hint of Autumn in the air. It was our friend's birthday and we had popped to see her earlier in the day - she was celebrating that night with a picnic with the "new" man in her life and had told Mark she would not be going to the usual skittles night. Mark was captain of the local skittles team and tonight was a match within the local league.

I did not go to the matches these days .... I was a young Mum, 28 years old and frankly ..... exhausted ! I could not imagine getting myself ready to go out at that point in time - I usually ended up with baby sick/milk or poop somewhere or other over me and Dan was still having 4 hourly feeds - so I was not getting a great deal of sleep ...... along with also being entertainments manager, climbing frame, chef, waitress etc for a 4 year old and 2 year old ...... so I was quite happy to be left at home with the children, while Mark did his thing.

At about 7pm Mark took the bins out and went to the local shop to get himself some cigarettes - I knew he would bring me back a Flake too, as he always did. I heard the doorbell go and thought he had forgotten his keys ...so ran downstairs to find him standing with a huge grin, a boxful of ice-creams and an ice-cream 99 in each hand! (we lived next door to an ice-cream van service - they had some spares and knew our children and us fairly well so just handed Mark the end of the day box!)

We ate the 99's and then he kissed me goodbye. He was on a high, in a happy frame of mind as things had started to turn around for him, after over a year unemployed. He had got through an aptitude test for a programming course and (other than our ever present money worries) we were enthusiastic about our future!

A couple of hours later I had settled the children, fed baby Dan and I made myself comfortable on the sofa, with Figaro on my lap, eating the Flake that, of course, Mark had bought me from the shop. I was watching "Windmills of the Gods" - funny how a nondescript TV mini-series has just stuck in my memory - it was after 10pm ...... then the doorbell rang .....................................

You just know ......... yet you don't want to know ........ the policeman and policewoman asked to come in ........ "Let's go and sit down" ..... I told them our living room was upstairs "Let's go upstairs then" ....... 

That was the longest climb of my life. 

Something's happened ....... hope Mum and Dad are OK ..... or Phil or John ....... but hang on ...they asked if I was Mrs Jane Goodwin ...... oh maybe it's one of my friends ...... could it be one of Mark's family ?

All the time knowing EXACTLY what they were going to say but not once allowing my mind - my heart - to acknowledge it.

They had rung the doorbell so hard that they had woken Jessica - I am not sure how it must have been for a distraught 4 year old peeking through the stair-rail ....... but she later told me she thought they had come to arrest me - so had snuck out of bed to find out what was happening.

They had sat me down ........ and then they told me ....... it is physical .....it is an actual punch to the stomach.

You know that movie special effect where they zoom out and zoom back in again ........ that happened ..... I felt very, very cold.

Then they asked if I wanted to call anyone. 

The first words out of my mouth ...... after being told my husband had been killed in a car crash were " I have to go and wash up ...... there will be lots of people coming round"

I was totally in denial - choosing something boring and everyday to focus on rather than face the awful truth.

Then I realised Jessica was up  - I took her in my arms and explained that daddy was dead, that he died instantly and was not hurting and that he was in heaven. I somehow remained calm, I guess because it didn't seem real, I was reassuring, I held her close as she cried and told her that I would teach her to make toasted cheese sandwiches when she was older as she always said Daddy was best at making them.

........ and then I told her that we would get through this ... it would be a long hard journey but we had each other, Gina and Dan ...our family and lots and lots of friends ..... it might be slow but we would do it ...... we would take it 2 steps forward .............. 

Life goes on ......

We received some sad news during the week - a friend and work colleague died - she was only 35 and leaves 2 young children grieving for their mum. Her death came as a complete surprise, none of us even knew she was ill and it seemed to happened very quickly - in the space of about 6 weeks.


Sudden deaths seem very hard to cope with - I am not stating this as if in competition with those who have to suffer a long, lingering, drawn out death - or any kind of death - as all are equally distressing for those left behind. BUT sudden deaths bring that shock factor as well - no time for preparation or chance to say your goodbyes. 


So we (my daughters also worked with her) have been reminiscing, about when we first met her, about me babysitting for her children, about them all going to Zumba (and with Danny's girlfriend too) etc. We also were recalling what we were doing as she lay in her bed at St John's Hospice - it is a surreal experience to be thinking about "what you were doing when............" if a friend may be ill or close to death and yet you may not be aware ......


Then Jess recalled what Grandy said after Mark died - that for those who were closest to the deceased - they just "go through the motions" of each day - you get up - you get dressed - you carry on with some sort of routine but it doesn't feel real.


Yet EVERYONE ELSE is just going about their daily business as normal ........ or so it seems and feels.


I can remember walking out of the door to the flat ...... walking down the road with Dan & Gina in the buggy, with Jess walking beside me ........ in complete desolation ........ thinking that life will NEVER be the same again - how could I ever actually feel "normal" again. Yet other people were walking too, chatting with their walking companions, rushing about to get to wherever they were going, not knowing that I felt like a ghost ....... walking mechanically/automatically .....  carrying my grief.


BUT I was not alone, I did not have sole ownership of grief for Mark and everyone who knew him was with me ... grieving too and supporting me and the children. I know my grief would have been stronger than some others but we were all closely linked in that one common denominator of knowing and loving someone who has died.


So my message to go to our friend's family is that of course right now, it is raw and painful and feels like the end of your world (and for the children in some ways it is as their whole lifestyle may well change).


However, I can ..... no ..... WE can (and I mean all of us family and friends of someone who may have died too young) reassure them that at some point you do realise that life DOES go on ........ in a different way ....... 


For us (my children and I and probably some other members of the family) our lives are divided into 2 parts ........ before August 1993 and after August 1993! 


I listen to songs on the radio and think - was that before or after? .......... I watch films on the TV and think .... was that before or after? ........ and even talking to the kids they also separate the years - was that before or after ? ......... 


Yes ..... life goes on for those of us left behind and can be filled with fun and laughter and all the "normal" frustrations that life entails - so you can have hope that you will not feel this bad for all time ....... but in the meantime .....


Rest In Peace Chantelle and our thoughts and prayers go out to your family !