The Blind Side

Well ........ it's been 2 weeks in the coming ........... and it hit very hard today.


We call them "Mark Moments" and usually they do literally just come crashing in on me, blind-sided. Never quite realising or noticing the "thing" that triggers it (bit like the migraines). However, equally, I do know of some of the incidents/events/occasions that will set me off - and usually I prepare for them (or at least avoid making it worse - which very stupidly I did today!)


I actually have a small confession ...... when I started this blog I decided I would be truthful - warts and all, about anything and everything - but that's not always easy.


I edited my blog 2 weeks ago - some few who clicked on it as I published it (I know you were one Suzie!) will have seen a glimpse of my feelings ..... but then I deleted a comment as I FELT that it was a far too happy a day to bring the tiny twinge I had into it - it was a day to celebrate - one for my daughter - and not to be tarnished with a comment that was really superfluous, as anyone who knows all of us, will know that he was not far from our thoughts.


Then, on Friday I had aches and pains and thought I was coming down with a cold - I began to get a little melancholy so decided that - as ever - the best way to deal with a poor mood is to get busy ...... and BOY was I busy !!! I had a bath to warm me up and then was on a Mission  - I washed clothes, ironed, filled the pond, tended the herb-garden, made rock cakes, wrote the blog, threw the ball for Harley and went to fish n chips!


So - that got me through Friday. Saturday was a good day (even though Wales lost !). Then Sunday ........ Jess, Gina and I went to see the Lion King in 3D.


Again - those who know us well will know that - very sad as we are - that film holds some happy/sad/poignant memories - it came out the year after Mark died and the kids loved it - we watched that (and Beauty and the Beast) till the tapes wore out ! 


Now ..... link that in with the fact that Kovu (the name comes from Lion King 2) has just been born, Daniel (Simba) has turned 18 and you can imagine 3 slightly emotional grown women having a mini blub at a Disney cartoon film (for children!) yesterday !!! 


So ..... I guess today was not really one that came from the blind side - it was predictable.


Mark and I had planned to grow old together, watch our children grow and watch our grandchildren grow. That was taken away from us.


Of course it didn't help that - like the complete plonker that I am - I then went and indulged a little in the grief, by reading my widow's diary - so I am now aching ... not through a possible cold ... but through heartache. 


And yet ... I am still full of hope and joy and not actually sad ....... I have moved my "2 steps 4ward" and can have these moments of utter grief .... but bounce back - to then go and throw the ball for Harley ... because that is life - and life moves on - and letting go of that grief each and every time ... is all a part of it !