Stay At Home Mum

This one is for my girls .... and anyone else who finds themselves in a similar position.

Both my girls have recently changed jobs ..... it makes perfect sense .... they are now paid more per hour, have far less stress and can work shifts around their babies. The downside is that these new jobs are not in the career they had envisaged progressing into. Also, the hours are not as numerous per week - it is very part-time.

However, the HUGE plus is that they are able to stay at home with the little ones during the daytime and then  pass over the care direct to the Dad's when they get home ..... meaning NO child care costs !!

When I first had Jessica  I went back to work after a few months and lasted for about a year. Although the job was a new one and came with some exciting challenges I found it so hard (as many Mums do) to leave her ....... I was not expecting to be particularly maternal and I am certainly NOT an "earth mother" type - baking and sewing and craft things are just NOT my cup of tea, but it was a lot harder than I expected. I know it is not for everyone and many Mum's do prefer to go to work, or even have to work, just to get by, so this is no judgement or criticism for them.

So when I fell pregnant again it was actually almost a relief (amongst all the other joyful emotions) - that I could feel justified in leaving work again!

Mark and I decided that childcare for 2, was not cost effective, so he would work and I would stay at home. I did do a variety of other things to keep busy and bring in some "pin money" in the evenings. I had already been selling perfumes at "perfume parties" (ahh those were the days) and I continued to do this and similar evening jobs, just to tide us over. 

After Dan was born we chatted about the fact that I would probably go back to work part-time when Dan was old enough to go to Pre-school - around 3 years old. However, as you all probably know - The accident happened ..... and ALL plans disappeared.

I look back now and treasure the time I had with the children - it is a luxury I know not everyone can afford - but I think if I had gone back to work in those crucial first years after Mark died..... I really doubt I would have coped - struggling with a job and 3 small children. 

Of course not everyone finds themselves in such a desperate position but I still am amazed at how some women do manage it. How do you juggle childcare, weigh up those costs and still be calm and patient enough when you get home to cook tea, play games and read stories before then fighting through the bedtime routines of little ones ! Not to mention then clearing up the house to do it all again the next day ! 

You lose that precious time - and although I look at it as healing time in our case - I wholeheartedly believe it is precious time ..... even without the circumstances we found ourselves in. 

HOWEVER - the one piece of advise I impart to my girls happened for me almost by accident. I had not intentionally planned to take 8 years out of my working life. That is a huge chunk of time and the working world progresses very quickly - faster now that the internet is such a part of everyday life !

When I gave up work in 1991 the computing world was in its infancy - when Mark died in 1993 the internet was not available to the general public of the UK, gaming was still "blips" on a screen! (he would be gob-smacked if he could see it all now)

My previous roles had been largely in administration and I had no idea that my part-time jobs and voluntary work would eventually help me, by having kept me in touch with this technological world. 

I had upgraded my typewriter in 1993 (yes you youngsters - typewriters were all we had then) to an electric one - I was soooo impressed with my purchase - I could erase sentences from letters if I had misspelled something or got the grammar slightly wrong!  I was taking Minutes from meetings where I was a volunteer and I was writing regular letters for my solicitors dealing with Mark's case.

In 1996 we moved from the flat and one of my first purchases was a computer - I was in 7th heaven - even though it was dial up (remember the whirring, clicking noises!). 

At that time I was membership secretary for the local Pre-School and then became Chairperson. I am convinced this was my saving grace to enable an easier re-entry to the working world. All of a sudden I was researching Ofsted on the net - looking at self assessment plans and best practice. I was typing out official letters, developing policies and procedures for the Pre-school and generally checking we were working to the best of our ability. I was organising fundraising events and marketing the group and keeping up with the world of technology.

When Dan turned 5 and started full time school I felt I should return to work - I had had almost 8 years away and the changes between 1991 to 1998 were immense technologically speaking. Yet I was undaunted - because by pure chance rather than planning I had taught myself Word, Excel, Publisher and a variety of other skills. I could research via the internet and was not a complete dinosaur with regards to this brave new computer literate world.

Although I had not planned it I had stayed ahead of the game within the administration sector, I had stayed informed about what was happening in the child care industry, I had kept my brain engaged and active by attending Pre-school training, Conferences and Events.

I had remained in contact with a huge variety of professionals through working lunches, as a member of several local voluntary groups and through being a founder member of the Kempston Community project.

More importantly, I had used the time fairly wisely (shocker I know) to think about what I actually wanted to do. My previous jobs had not involved children at all and although I did not think I wanted to be a teacher or work directly with children, I did want to work around children. I had gained a good knowledge base and wanted a future career that would allow me to put some of that knowledge to use.

So for my girls ..... this is the message - stay engaged - keep learning - stay focused on what you really would like to be doing in 8 years time - there are so many on-line short courses available to keep your brains active in ways other than on keeping your little ones happy (important as that is). 

You will need to re-enter a full-time career at some point and it is always a little easier if you have kept up to date with all that is happening in your sector.

BUT MOST OF ALL - enjoy your time as part-timers and almost stay at home mums - it really does go far too quickly!

Babysitting

A friend posted a comment on Facebook the other day that made me stop and think. She was mentioning that it would only be another 3 years before her eldest could babysit for her youngest.

I queried her post .... knowing that her eldest is around 13 and this meant she was waiting until her daughter would be 16 before that eventful day. She expanded, quite rightly, that she had checked this out with her Local Authority. She works in a school, is a girl guide leader and wanted to be sure she was not breaking the law by allowing her eldest to sit for the half an hour between her children getting home from school and her returning from work. Whoever she spoke to from the local council informed her that her eldest could not legally babysit for her younger sister until she was 16!

This is not true ..... in fact there is no LEGAL lower age for babysitting in the UK!

So what she had been told made me a little cross .... (not at my friend). 

This sort of misinformation can cause all sorts of confusion and issues for families trying to make ends meet and possibly having to fork out for a sitter (who often charge per hour NOT half hour) or even for making a 15 year old feel dis-empowered if they are then being "sat" by a 16 year old ! 

In fact this opened up a little can of worms in me about responsibility and the transition for children towards gaining independence.

From a legal perspective, a child under 16 cannot be prosecuted for neglect or ill-treatment of children in their care (well I believe they can - but it is more difficult), so a parent then would be charged instead, should anything happen while the parents are away. So I do understand how this could make some parents concerned and perhaps a little wary of  passing the responsibility on to a younger sitter.

HOWEVER ..... what has happened to common sense ??

There is a balance to be had in allowing your children a little freedom........ and a little responsibility.

YOU, the parent, will know your own child. 

YOU will know if your children are likely to adhere to the rules you set them when you are not there, and that includes whether or not the younger ones will listen to their older sibling. 

YOU will know how they are likely to cope if a situation arises that may be outside of the normal issues that might occur.

YOU alone will know whether you feel your eldest is competent enough to look after younger siblings or not ...... and that also depends hugely on the age of the younger siblings. If the younger ones are babies or toddlers then that responsibility is increased. Whereas for example with my 3 - there was only an age difference of 4 years from eldest to youngest so when Jess was 12, Gina was 10 and Dan 8. 

I knew that Jess was very sensible and Gina would back her up on most things so that the 2 of them could have the required "control" of Dan (who also, was a pretty sensible lad really).

I knew that Jess had the phone numbers of my parents (who lived 5 mins up the road) and her Aunt and Uncle (who lived 2 minutes up the road) along with a variety of others who lived close enough to get to the house if a real emergency occurred.

I knew that for the odd half an hour to an hour (initially) the children would be fine ...... and once I had done that a few times I gradually increased the time spent away until, by the age of 14, Jess was fully babysitting for an evening. She was also babysitting for others and earning pocket money.

One of the arguments against giving this responsibility to an older child is that they may feel "put upon" ..... this could be easily dismissed, as long as the elder child either receives some form of recompense (not necessarily money) or at very least praised for their accomplishment. It is a huge thing to make that transition and be treated as a responsible teenager. That in itself can often be enough encouragement. 

If a child is never given these responsibilities ....... chores ....... pocket money to learn how to budget ..... consequences for their own behaviour ....... then how do we expect them to become responsible, competent adults. 

They will join the "generation of entitlement".  All full of expectation of what they are entitled to ......... without responsibility or putting anything back into society.

So it does not help when information given by the Government, Local Authority and even the likes of the NSPCC (who advise that children under 16 should not be left in charge of younger children) all promote this bubble-wrapping behaviour towards our children.

Surely it is better to teach your child how to assess risks in a situation (yes OK .... there is a funny story of how, when my 3 heard a noise outside, they decided to investigate themselves and sent Danny, the youngest, out first !) Or to send your child on a First Aid course, or just to ensure they have access to phone numbers of family and friends close by in case of emergency!

If my friend is not the only one being given this advice (and I am sure she is not) what is going to be the next step .......  how will we know if they are responsible at 16 if we have not felt they were responsible at 15 ..... age is just a number and many 15 year old's are very competent whereas some 18 year old's just don't have that common sense. So surely it is not ABOUT the age ..... surely it is about your ability to judge your child's capabilities ...... and it is about TRUST.

Allow your child to become a competent adult by encouraging the transition .....encouraging this level of responsibility ...... learning what their limits are ....... and accepting that occasionally accidents may happen ... but that in itself is part of their learning curve !